Just being honest...
I should be putting on the finishing touches while rushing out the door to church. I'm not. Obviously, I'm blogging. I spent the last hour of my morning wrestling over the decision of whether to go or not. I guess I've made my decision. Andy's at work today, as he will be for the next three Sundays. I've gotten used to doing most Sundays alone, but with so much emotion in my head right now I just couldn't do it today.
So...why haven't I been blogging? I don't really know. I haven't felt like doing the typical superficial junk that I usually do. Too much pressure. There's been plenty to write about -- dead bats in the basement, crazy people around town, and the usual silly quotes from Charlie and Andy. There's been plenty of blog-fodder. I just haven't felt up to it.
It seems like I've been sick all week -- some sort of miserable stomach stuff. I always get down when I'm sick. I feel like I can't do anything -- like I'm a horrible mother, wife, friend, etc. I start to question everything. It stinks.
Just under the surface of everything else are the many days in recent months that I've spent waiting. Waiting to see if I was pregnant -- getting my hopes up when I was a few days late, then a few weeks late. Waiting in vain for that positive test, only to get deafening negatives on every single stinking one. Then it comes with a fury, making me sick with vomiting, headaches, fatigue, all the while hearing about the next friend, relative, stranger, etc. reveal their own pregnancy.
So I sit here, incapable of controlling my tears, hoping that Charlie continues to pay more attention to his cartoons than he does to me. Hoping that my mood doesn't affect his. Hoping that he doesn't ask, yet again today, why he doesn't have a brother or sister. I know it could be worse. I know many women have struggled much longer and harder than I have. It's just the waiting, wondering, and hoping that gets to me.
16 comments:
I think you are great.
Friend, I love you and miss you terribly. I tried to call you earlier. Let's have a phone date soon. Know that I am thinking of you, rejoicing with you in the blessings and hurting with you in the lows. October 13th can't come quick enough for me.
Oh siser...I'm sad for you.
Ames, sending a huge hug from Texas. We love you and miss you.
Thinking of you, and so sorry you're hurting. And even though, yes, it could always be worse, your pain is not a small thing.
Oh gosh, Amy. I remember my father-in-law once told me, "It is always darkest before the dawn" when I was going through some bad times. We are keeping you in our prayers!
Praying for you!!
so sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now....love ya:)
Been there siser. There isn't anything I can say to make it better. Reading this made ME cry because I was there not very long ago and it stinks. I lu u.
Praying for you...and by the way, even though I haven't seen you for two years (in person) I KNOW you are a great mother, wife, friend, sister- it shows in everything you write on this blog.
Thanks for this honest post~ I am praying for you. I wish we could meet up in C'ville for some of that delicious custard and a Little John's sandwich.
It is hard, especially when it comes so easy for other people. I know exactly what you mean about getting your hopes up and then being dissapointed. We're at the point now where we can't try for a while because we'll be moving in May. It's pretty frustrating, especially when you want it so bad. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for your honesty. We miss you around these parts. Will y'all ever return?
Sweet Friend. Greetings from Lubbock. I wish us 3 Amigos were together to cheer each other up. Just know that you have good friends and families. With much love and smiles.
Sorry to hear your so sad kid, but thanks for letting us know so we can at least support you through prayer. Lu u girl and wish I was there to smoke a cigar on the balcony with you just to feel like we were doing something bad! :) You're in my prayers and tell Charlie hi for me.
Loved our visit! I just read this and so sorry you were feeling so down. I pray we helped out someway. I think with your new teaching job and Charlie having a new interest, things will be better and less stressful. Love you! Prayers are always sent in your behalf.
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