Bowman West

Am I God's Charlie?

The biggest thing that's struck me since becoming Charlie's mom is the type and depth of love that I have for such a little, helpless person. It's deeper and more raw than anything I've ever felt. I think it's something even greater than love, something that hasn't been named because it's impossible to describe it in words. My heart leaps at his smile, even at 2:00 am. At times I feel like I just won the Nobel Prize and his laugh is my reward. When he found his feet for the first time, finally slept through the night, had a great day at daycare, I feel pride like I've never felt. I'm fiercely protective of him, like I would literally (not just hypothetically) give my life to save his. When he cries and needs to be held my heart breaks for him, and all I want to do is fix it as soon as possible because the thought of him being lonely, in pain, or sad is more than I can stand.

I wonder if I'm God's Charlie. Does His heart leap when I smile? Does He have overwhelming pride when I follow His plan for my life? Does His heart break when I'm hurting? I think the answer to all of these questions in "yes." I don't always acknowledge it though. I wonder if God feels sad when we go through our "launching stage." Does He watch us test and cross the boundaries, knowing that we'll get hurt but at the same time knowing that it's something we just sometimes have to go through? Does He long for the time when we'd crawl up in his lap and let Him rock us and make everything better? I bet He does. Most of the time I think I'm too big and grown up for that relationship. I think I don't need Him to hold my hand as I cross the street and kiss my head while He tucks me in at night. I bet it makes Him sad. I long to return to that innocence when I trusted His arms to comfort and guide me.

I know there will be a day when Charlie will squirm to get out of my arms and he won't be calmed anymore by a good round of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" or "The Wheels on the Bus." I know he'll try to run into the street without me even though a car is coming. He'll look for joy and comfort in friends, roommates, girlfriends, instead of finding it in me. I know that time will be here before I know it and I dread it. It's just what we go through though--it's a part of life and growing up. I think God knows that about us. I think like I'll be waiting for that call, that email, that card from Charlie, God's waiting for that prayer from me. He wants to know what I need, want, feel. He knows that I think I can do it on my own, but He also knows that it will pass and I'm going to need His arms around me again. He's anxiously waiting...